It's been a little while...

Did this last week but never posted it so I’m posting it now to try and catch readers up (for those who actually care!)


It’s been a while since I’ve written here, and as much as I promoted this blog I guess I was a bit over ambitious. It happens though right?
I’ve been doing okay, but I still have a long way to go. Life here at the house seems to be going pretty well, but I’ve realized my anxiety level has been up and my temper seems like it can be pretty quick as well- neither traits I like at all.
As for the anxiety, well I think there are several things going on that have probably contributed to that. For one, ever since my dad found out he had cancer in May, our relationship has been strained like always. He hasn’t really called me at all and I’m the one who’s been having to do all the calling to him, not to mention I think he’s very vague about his health issues to try and calm himself along with other’s about his situation. He ended up having the surgery though and from what I understand they got pretty much everything out that they needed to, so that’s obviously great. You would just think that in times like that, it would pull a father and son together, but no, it seems like it just made us further apart. My dad has some wonderful qualities though, and he comes from a rough childhood as well. With that knowledge I can at least suck out some mercy from that.
Amongst other things, the car situation has definitely been a huge stressor. I had to get the timing belt replaced about 3 weeks ago along with some other belts in the car, that was nearly $600, replace my driver’s license, that was $50, register my car, that was $226, buy my first car insurance plan, that was a first payment of $134 I believe, and get my car inspected, that was $40. I wish I could tell you the inspection was only $40, but it actually turned out to be that plus $188. The guy failed my car because 1. He couldn’t get an emissions reading because the thing wasn’t connected to the battery tightly enough, and 2. My driver’s side door handle was missing. I wanted to get that fixed anyways but because money has been tight I hadn’t planned on having it done right away. In South Carolina we have no car inspections and I absolutely hate the state sticking its nose into my dashboard telling me what is safe or not safe. If my exterior door handle is broken, that’s my problem. The state can tell me it’s for the “safety of the car” all they want to, but I believe it’s simply just another tax.
I have a long way to go even still, perhaps especially now on my “walk with God.” I remember what seems like years ago now, when I felt like I was on a mountain top with Him. Were there struggles? Sure! But I knew what I needed to do and wanted Him and only Him. Well, I still want Him (Christ), but my walk with God pretty much fell to pieces a couple years ago.
It’s the process of reconciliation, I know that’s what it is. So basically as I believe that God accepts me for who I am, being homosexual, I’m going totally against what I felt 3 or 4 years ago. This is so hard, but for me life often seems like a game of Russian roulette, and I’m simply waiting to see where my final destination leads. People just don’t understand what this is like until they’ve been through it. They just don’t. You cannot compare this to a drug addiction, or alcohol addiction. Trying comparing your heterosexuality to an alcohol addiction and see where it takes you. I feel so lost in all this. My walk of acceptance seems like walking on a tight rope. For all I know it’s all the other voices from the non affirming church just shouting out at me the evils of it. I believe that is what it is, but they don’t know what to believe most likely either. They’re just promoting what they’ve been taught. I have a long road ahead of me.
Another huge hurdle for me within my Christian walk is the lack of conviction. I swear, I have little motivation to exercise self control. Oh I mean my mind can still comprehend what is good and what is bad. And I still have a pretty good idea of the differences between doing what is right and what is wrong, but as for the “Spiritual” side of Christianity, that seems to be missing lots of times. Like I’ll go to Church or read the Bible some, but it’s all one sided. Has God in fact left me? Have I left Him? Yes I need reconciliation indeed.