Did this last week but never posted it so I’m posting it now to try and catch readers up (for those who actually care!)
It’s been a while since I’ve written here, and as much as I promoted this blog I guess I was a bit over ambitious. It happens though right?
I’ve been doing okay, but I still have a long way to go. Life here at the house seems to be going pretty well, but I’ve realized my anxiety level has been up and my temper seems like it can be pretty quick as well- neither traits I like at all.
As for the anxiety, well I think there are several things going on that have probably contributed to that. For one, ever since my dad found out he had cancer in May, our relationship has been strained like always. He hasn’t really called me at all and I’m the one who’s been having to do all the calling to him, not to mention I think he’s very vague about his health issues to try and calm himself along with other’s about his situation. He ended up having the surgery though and from what I understand they got pretty much everything out that they needed to, so that’s obviously great. You would just think that in times like that, it would pull a father and son together, but no, it seems like it just made us further apart. My dad has some wonderful qualities though, and he comes from a rough childhood as well. With that knowledge I can at least suck out some mercy from that.
Amongst other things, the car situation has definitely been a huge stressor. I had to get the timing belt replaced about 3 weeks ago along with some other belts in the car, that was nearly $600, replace my driver’s license, that was $50, register my car, that was $226, buy my first car insurance plan, that was a first payment of $134 I believe, and get my car inspected, that was $40. I wish I could tell you the inspection was only $40, but it actually turned out to be that plus $188. The guy failed my car because 1. He couldn’t get an emissions reading because the thing wasn’t connected to the battery tightly enough, and 2. My driver’s side door handle was missing. I wanted to get that fixed anyways but because money has been tight I hadn’t planned on having it done right away. In South Carolina we have no car inspections and I absolutely hate the state sticking its nose into my dashboard telling me what is safe or not safe. If my exterior door handle is broken, that’s my problem. The state can tell me it’s for the “safety of the car” all they want to, but I believe it’s simply just another tax.
I have a long way to go even still, perhaps especially now on my “walk with God.” I remember what seems like years ago now, when I felt like I was on a mountain top with Him. Were there struggles? Sure! But I knew what I needed to do and wanted Him and only Him. Well, I still want Him (Christ), but my walk with God pretty much fell to pieces a couple years ago.
It’s the process of reconciliation, I know that’s what it is. So basically as I believe that God accepts me for who I am, being homosexual, I’m going totally against what I felt 3 or 4 years ago. This is so hard, but for me life often seems like a game of Russian roulette, and I’m simply waiting to see where my final destination leads. People just don’t understand what this is like until they’ve been through it. They just don’t. You cannot compare this to a drug addiction, or alcohol addiction. Trying comparing your heterosexuality to an alcohol addiction and see where it takes you. I feel so lost in all this. My walk of acceptance seems like walking on a tight rope. For all I know it’s all the other voices from the non affirming church just shouting out at me the evils of it. I believe that is what it is, but they don’t know what to believe most likely either. They’re just promoting what they’ve been taught. I have a long road ahead of me.
Another huge hurdle for me within my Christian walk is the lack of conviction. I swear, I have little motivation to exercise self control. Oh I mean my mind can still comprehend what is good and what is bad. And I still have a pretty good idea of the differences between doing what is right and what is wrong, but as for the “Spiritual” side of Christianity, that seems to be missing lots of times. Like I’ll go to Church or read the Bible some, but it’s all one sided. Has God in fact left me? Have I left Him? Yes I need reconciliation indeed.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Mountains, Love, & Hot Bodies
Today has been pretty good for a Saturday. Because I went to bed so late (or perhaps I should say early) last night, I slept in until about 11, which is honestly groundbreaking for me these days. Friday was nice as well, not very busy with work and I drove into Quincy to spend times with my friends. It’s a group of people that I meet up with pretty much every Friday, so it’s my thing. On Friday nights I simply have Friday night group. I really feel blessed to have those people in my life!
Love has been on my mind a lot since Friday (well really the past several years but anyways). Love, an actual relationship, not the kind that is strictly physical that lasts for a matter of moments with a person you barely know. When I think of love my mind trembles at the idea of it. I know the love of my mother or that of a good friend or family member, but the shear idea of romantic love gets my mind going on so many different issues about it I usually try to keep it under the rug. You see, I’ve lived for most of my life with the understanding that romantic love is something I will simply never experience, so why dwell on something you can’t have either way? I usually just try to just keep it under the rug because again I’ve always looked at it as something I will never experience …but in the event that I did, a few things came to mind of what some of the outcomes would be that just makes the idea of romantic love even more bittersweet.
1. It makes me sad to think that what should be a wonderful celebratory thing for me, would be devastating news for others. Using marriage as an example, when we plan for marriage up until the actual wedding day there is laughter and happiness, and obviously several stress factors that go along with the planning process too. On the day of the wedding though, friends and family from all over the country (or world) get together to share the couple’s moment in a celebration that will bring happy and cherished memories for everyone involved in their lives, not to mention the actual newly weds.
If I were to go with what is natural for me that would be nothing like the case.
If I were to announce that I was getting married to another man, for most of the people in my life, it would be nothing but devastating. It would be an ultimatum for many of them. Many to most would probably not go and make their disapproval abundantly clear, and many would do as much as they could to try and talk me out of it, and some would probably disown me altogether.
So here we have two pictures. One, where the man and woman are getting married with everyone there to celebrate it with them, and then the scenario of myself getting married to what feels natural to me, another man, and it being more worse than a funeral.
Again, thinking about love for me is such a bizarre enigma. I feel as if God created us to love, and put the desire and each and every one of our hearts, but for me to think about it just feels like nothing more than a total disaster mixed with condemnation and mourning.
In the midst of hearing so much about gay marriage on the news these days, I have yet to even know the taste of what something as simple as dating is like. I am so far away from even being able to comprehend marriage that it seems more like a dream that just simply is not meant for me. Deep down inside, I really still don’t even see myself marrying a man to be honest. I see the picture of the pretty white house, with the pretty white picket fence, the dog (NO CATS,) and the beautifully loving wife to come home to. In saying that though, it just makes it all the more difficult for me to accept the fact that I may never have that picture. It is in saying things like these where my friends who wish I didn’t have the “struggle with homosexuality” would try to convince me that “well maybe God still has the right girl out there for you!” Well perhaps it’s a matter of Him having the right guy out there for me and us all (including myself) having to accept that? It’s all just a big blob of confusion, such is life.
Today I went up north a little bit and met up with a friend and we climbed part of Mt. Monadnock. I was all gung ho for climbing the whole thing, but when we had just reached the clearing of the trees and I looked up and saw how much further is was to go, we just hung out on an area of rocks with an equally beautiful view and snacked on some of the wild blueberries. Perhaps the fact that we started the climb at around 5 didn’t help either, but that allowed us to see the beginning of the spectacular sunset.
As I walked out on the rocks taking in the views of the scenery and all the other mountains out in the distance, I tried to meditate on my life some and consider the current situations. I figured if I couldn’t find the right person to marry, I would just marry that view, that view and the sunset. Sounds like something Anne Shirley would say!
I also saw some pretty nice bodies today, which were just simple reminders for me of how much I love men and are attracted to them. I can only assume that when I see a hot guy, it must be like what a heterosexual guy feels when he sees a hot girl. I find myself constantly thinking “oh so this must be what it feels like for a guy who is attracted to girls” just because I wish I knew what it was like so badly.
When I see their bodies it really makes me want to do something to get into shape and look more like them. It’s one thing to see chiseled bodies in a magazine or online, but seeing them in real life makes me realize “wow it really is possible to have a body like that.” Honestly when I see hot guys in pictures it doesn’t have the same affect at all as far as wanting to get into shape, at least not the pictures for sites like connexion.. Actually I was all ready to get going on a good diet and exercise regimen, but surfing through the pictures on connexion and the other networking sites really turned me off to looking more muscular and toned. As much as I’d love a smooth lean body, I never want to be like any of those men in the profile pictures I see online. I don’t really understand why I have such a bitterness or hatred towards them, and I really don’t even want to call it that, but I just don’t want to be anything like that. I don’t want a nice body so that others can lust after me. I don’t want a nice body simply because it opens up doors for me to be able to sleep with other men with nice bodies as well. I don’t think love should be on the idea of “well I have a nice body, therefore I deserve someone with a nice body as well.” I’m just not sure what I want I guess.
Love has been on my mind a lot since Friday (well really the past several years but anyways). Love, an actual relationship, not the kind that is strictly physical that lasts for a matter of moments with a person you barely know. When I think of love my mind trembles at the idea of it. I know the love of my mother or that of a good friend or family member, but the shear idea of romantic love gets my mind going on so many different issues about it I usually try to keep it under the rug. You see, I’ve lived for most of my life with the understanding that romantic love is something I will simply never experience, so why dwell on something you can’t have either way? I usually just try to just keep it under the rug because again I’ve always looked at it as something I will never experience …but in the event that I did, a few things came to mind of what some of the outcomes would be that just makes the idea of romantic love even more bittersweet.
1. It makes me sad to think that what should be a wonderful celebratory thing for me, would be devastating news for others. Using marriage as an example, when we plan for marriage up until the actual wedding day there is laughter and happiness, and obviously several stress factors that go along with the planning process too. On the day of the wedding though, friends and family from all over the country (or world) get together to share the couple’s moment in a celebration that will bring happy and cherished memories for everyone involved in their lives, not to mention the actual newly weds.
If I were to go with what is natural for me that would be nothing like the case.
If I were to announce that I was getting married to another man, for most of the people in my life, it would be nothing but devastating. It would be an ultimatum for many of them. Many to most would probably not go and make their disapproval abundantly clear, and many would do as much as they could to try and talk me out of it, and some would probably disown me altogether.
So here we have two pictures. One, where the man and woman are getting married with everyone there to celebrate it with them, and then the scenario of myself getting married to what feels natural to me, another man, and it being more worse than a funeral.
Again, thinking about love for me is such a bizarre enigma. I feel as if God created us to love, and put the desire and each and every one of our hearts, but for me to think about it just feels like nothing more than a total disaster mixed with condemnation and mourning.
In the midst of hearing so much about gay marriage on the news these days, I have yet to even know the taste of what something as simple as dating is like. I am so far away from even being able to comprehend marriage that it seems more like a dream that just simply is not meant for me. Deep down inside, I really still don’t even see myself marrying a man to be honest. I see the picture of the pretty white house, with the pretty white picket fence, the dog (NO CATS,) and the beautifully loving wife to come home to. In saying that though, it just makes it all the more difficult for me to accept the fact that I may never have that picture. It is in saying things like these where my friends who wish I didn’t have the “struggle with homosexuality” would try to convince me that “well maybe God still has the right girl out there for you!” Well perhaps it’s a matter of Him having the right guy out there for me and us all (including myself) having to accept that? It’s all just a big blob of confusion, such is life.
Today I went up north a little bit and met up with a friend and we climbed part of Mt. Monadnock. I was all gung ho for climbing the whole thing, but when we had just reached the clearing of the trees and I looked up and saw how much further is was to go, we just hung out on an area of rocks with an equally beautiful view and snacked on some of the wild blueberries. Perhaps the fact that we started the climb at around 5 didn’t help either, but that allowed us to see the beginning of the spectacular sunset.
As I walked out on the rocks taking in the views of the scenery and all the other mountains out in the distance, I tried to meditate on my life some and consider the current situations. I figured if I couldn’t find the right person to marry, I would just marry that view, that view and the sunset. Sounds like something Anne Shirley would say!
I also saw some pretty nice bodies today, which were just simple reminders for me of how much I love men and are attracted to them. I can only assume that when I see a hot guy, it must be like what a heterosexual guy feels when he sees a hot girl. I find myself constantly thinking “oh so this must be what it feels like for a guy who is attracted to girls” just because I wish I knew what it was like so badly.
When I see their bodies it really makes me want to do something to get into shape and look more like them. It’s one thing to see chiseled bodies in a magazine or online, but seeing them in real life makes me realize “wow it really is possible to have a body like that.” Honestly when I see hot guys in pictures it doesn’t have the same affect at all as far as wanting to get into shape, at least not the pictures for sites like connexion.. Actually I was all ready to get going on a good diet and exercise regimen, but surfing through the pictures on connexion and the other networking sites really turned me off to looking more muscular and toned. As much as I’d love a smooth lean body, I never want to be like any of those men in the profile pictures I see online. I don’t really understand why I have such a bitterness or hatred towards them, and I really don’t even want to call it that, but I just don’t want to be anything like that. I don’t want a nice body so that others can lust after me. I don’t want a nice body simply because it opens up doors for me to be able to sleep with other men with nice bodies as well. I don’t think love should be on the idea of “well I have a nice body, therefore I deserve someone with a nice body as well.” I’m just not sure what I want I guess.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Talking to walls, getting out, and naughty bookstore sections.
Today has been surprisingly a bit better psychologically then I had thought it would be. Yesterday I felt depression really setting in, and those dark thoughts that I don’t even like talking about seemed to really be trying to break down the gates to my mind to set in again. Some of the dark thoughts are things like having no will to live, and my last year at school I struggled a great deal with that. The friendly UPS guy dropped off the packages at around 11, and I started packing at about 12:30 after what we’ll just identify as an internet distraction.
Working at home I’m really coming to find has its ups and downs, but I’m starting to think maybe more downs than ups. While it’s nice to roll out of bed and just walk down a few flights of stairs to my job, and it’s also nice to not have to use gas to commute, it’s kind of, well, lonely. I love talking to people, I love working with people and meeting new people, but working down in the basement I’m the only one to talk to besides the wall or yes yes God.
I go up to visit the cat every now and then but I really just think I’m finished trying with it. It just doesn’t like me and I’m sick of trying only to get bit or scratched, or what is even in my opinion worse, getting hissed at. Bite me or scratch me, but there is something about being hissed at by a cat that just bothers me to no end, and especially from this cat. It bit me again tonight after I went to pet it and only shortly after I had given it one of its favorite treats. Since the cat is so territorial it doesn’t even like me feeding it its daily raw drumstick in the evening, I’ve found it will eagerly take a piece of turkey deli meat right out of my hand. I’d been trying to do that thinking food would always win anything over, but after tonight’s bite, like I said, I really just think I’m done with it. At this point the only times I get bit or scratched or hissed at is when I try with the cat, so from now on I’m just staying away from it. No more treats, no more playing with little bells or objects that it likes to pounce at, and no more visits up to the room during the day. It stays in my roommate’s room and for all I care the damn cat can just stay there alone till the love of its life, its master, gets home.
I finished up work at around 4:30 and did the usual go up stairs and get back on the computer. In order it seems like when I log on, I check connexion, facebook, yahoo mail, connexion again in case I missed something, back to facebook, myspace if I feel like it, and then to youtube. It’s amazing how fast time can fly when browsing any of those sites. I knew I needed to get out, and called a friend to see if she wanted to meet up for dinner. She’s an older woman, but has been a great sister in Christ and a huge support when everyone else back at the church thought I was crazy. Although I’ve greatly started to differ in theological views with her, (she thinks all churches are now apostate,) I try to concentrate more on the help she’s given me in the past and talk about other things besides Christianity, although that topic can be hard to stay off of some times.
Since she couldn’t do anything I messaged another person in the area who I’ve known since childhood. We never really hung out or anything, but since she’s a member of a family that my mother and I are like family with. She and I have discussed the desire to hang out together sometime soon so I texted her and the next thing you know we were meeting at TGIF’s at 6. I was really happy we got to get together as we got to know some more about each other and finally have a more tangible relationship. After dinner she and I went across the street to the Barnes & Noble store, ugh do I have some memories from that place, and if I ever have children they will be on a tight leash at Barnes & Noble or any other bookstore for that matter. Some of the sections are like mini porn shops!
You see, In my younger years of disbelieving that there were other people who felt like I did towards other guys, and in the midst of me really not knowing how to process the feelings altogether, I would sneak off into the bookshelves and look at all the naughty sections just to see what I could find. I remember going to the photography section where I found a few books for the first time showing naked men together, hugging, cuddling, not sex though. If memory serves me right I believe those were some of the first people I had ever discovered to be able relate to, those men in the pictures who seemed to intimately love each other.
I went over to the magazine stands and passed the “men’s interest” section which makes me nearly gag every time. Half of it is actual porn, the other half is wannabe porn. I quickly vacated the area in a temporary moment of embarrassment for being a man and checked out the travel books where my friend was.
We soon walked over to the section for Bibles as I wanted to see how much their New Revised Standard Versions were. What seemed to be a discovery that would inevitably happen anyways, we were met with the “gay & lesbian studies” section directly to the left of us as we stood in front of the two enormous stands packed to the max with a plethora of Bibles of several versions in an amazing variety of colors as well. After checking out the pricy Bibles, I walked only a few steps over to the gay section and saw the usual selections. I have never understood that section, but sadly I felt like I really could. About half of the books in the section were on activism and gay rights, religion and homosexuality, gay parenting, or self help guides to find romance. The other half seemed to be erotica, porn, on the subject of porn, gay sex, or erotic novels based on a variety of fetishes. I always thought it was incredibly ironic how sex was such a major component of “gay & lesbian STUDIES.” It’s frustrating to want to find something non sexual in the gay community, but that section is often a reminder to me of how sex finds its way into anything. I guess I just despise the fact that there is so much erotica in the section. Perhaps they should have a separate section for “gay erotica” instead of mixing them all together.
We browsed around some more and finally headed for the exit. We hugged each other as we parted and both agreed we should do it again sometime soon. I look forward to becoming better friends with her.
I headed back to the house with a brief detour to Marshall’s, which lasted about 5 minutes as the urge grew to use the bathroom.
I made it back to the house, used the bathroom, and got back on the computer. I chatted briefly with a friend some, another person who I’m looking forward to getting to know more. She’s a lesbian who just went through a messy breakup and mentioned she had checked out some personals on the infamous craigslist. I had actually checked out the lesbian personals (w4w) on craigslist before just for the heck of it to see what they were like and nearly fell over at the difference of them vs. the men’s (m4m) personals. On the m4m section, any picture was pretty much a guaranteed genital shot, and 99% were looking for sexual hookups, but on the lesbian section they were modest women who seemed to be looking for more than a fling but an actual relationship that lasted, (though my friend said a few bisexual girls had messaged her looking for a hookup of which she was not interested in). One lady in her ad even had a picture of her and her kids looking for love!
Ugh, we’re all looking for love. I checked out the “miss connections” section on craigslist wondering what that was all about, and found the most pathetic ad. God bless whoever the man was who posted this. Here it is copied and pasted:
Location: “Antrim Rest Area”
“You were driving a poultry truck and stopped for a break. Thought you were pretty hot. Wouldn't mind connecting with ya. Chances are slim but if you see this I hope you'll respond. Let me know what I was driving and what you did when you got out of your truck before you went inside.”
As I said, we’re all simply looking for love. We’re all looking for someone who cares. Will some of us ever find it?
Working at home I’m really coming to find has its ups and downs, but I’m starting to think maybe more downs than ups. While it’s nice to roll out of bed and just walk down a few flights of stairs to my job, and it’s also nice to not have to use gas to commute, it’s kind of, well, lonely. I love talking to people, I love working with people and meeting new people, but working down in the basement I’m the only one to talk to besides the wall or yes yes God.
I go up to visit the cat every now and then but I really just think I’m finished trying with it. It just doesn’t like me and I’m sick of trying only to get bit or scratched, or what is even in my opinion worse, getting hissed at. Bite me or scratch me, but there is something about being hissed at by a cat that just bothers me to no end, and especially from this cat. It bit me again tonight after I went to pet it and only shortly after I had given it one of its favorite treats. Since the cat is so territorial it doesn’t even like me feeding it its daily raw drumstick in the evening, I’ve found it will eagerly take a piece of turkey deli meat right out of my hand. I’d been trying to do that thinking food would always win anything over, but after tonight’s bite, like I said, I really just think I’m done with it. At this point the only times I get bit or scratched or hissed at is when I try with the cat, so from now on I’m just staying away from it. No more treats, no more playing with little bells or objects that it likes to pounce at, and no more visits up to the room during the day. It stays in my roommate’s room and for all I care the damn cat can just stay there alone till the love of its life, its master, gets home.
I finished up work at around 4:30 and did the usual go up stairs and get back on the computer. In order it seems like when I log on, I check connexion, facebook, yahoo mail, connexion again in case I missed something, back to facebook, myspace if I feel like it, and then to youtube. It’s amazing how fast time can fly when browsing any of those sites. I knew I needed to get out, and called a friend to see if she wanted to meet up for dinner. She’s an older woman, but has been a great sister in Christ and a huge support when everyone else back at the church thought I was crazy. Although I’ve greatly started to differ in theological views with her, (she thinks all churches are now apostate,) I try to concentrate more on the help she’s given me in the past and talk about other things besides Christianity, although that topic can be hard to stay off of some times.
Since she couldn’t do anything I messaged another person in the area who I’ve known since childhood. We never really hung out or anything, but since she’s a member of a family that my mother and I are like family with. She and I have discussed the desire to hang out together sometime soon so I texted her and the next thing you know we were meeting at TGIF’s at 6. I was really happy we got to get together as we got to know some more about each other and finally have a more tangible relationship. After dinner she and I went across the street to the Barnes & Noble store, ugh do I have some memories from that place, and if I ever have children they will be on a tight leash at Barnes & Noble or any other bookstore for that matter. Some of the sections are like mini porn shops!
You see, In my younger years of disbelieving that there were other people who felt like I did towards other guys, and in the midst of me really not knowing how to process the feelings altogether, I would sneak off into the bookshelves and look at all the naughty sections just to see what I could find. I remember going to the photography section where I found a few books for the first time showing naked men together, hugging, cuddling, not sex though. If memory serves me right I believe those were some of the first people I had ever discovered to be able relate to, those men in the pictures who seemed to intimately love each other.
I went over to the magazine stands and passed the “men’s interest” section which makes me nearly gag every time. Half of it is actual porn, the other half is wannabe porn. I quickly vacated the area in a temporary moment of embarrassment for being a man and checked out the travel books where my friend was.
We soon walked over to the section for Bibles as I wanted to see how much their New Revised Standard Versions were. What seemed to be a discovery that would inevitably happen anyways, we were met with the “gay & lesbian studies” section directly to the left of us as we stood in front of the two enormous stands packed to the max with a plethora of Bibles of several versions in an amazing variety of colors as well. After checking out the pricy Bibles, I walked only a few steps over to the gay section and saw the usual selections. I have never understood that section, but sadly I felt like I really could. About half of the books in the section were on activism and gay rights, religion and homosexuality, gay parenting, or self help guides to find romance. The other half seemed to be erotica, porn, on the subject of porn, gay sex, or erotic novels based on a variety of fetishes. I always thought it was incredibly ironic how sex was such a major component of “gay & lesbian STUDIES.” It’s frustrating to want to find something non sexual in the gay community, but that section is often a reminder to me of how sex finds its way into anything. I guess I just despise the fact that there is so much erotica in the section. Perhaps they should have a separate section for “gay erotica” instead of mixing them all together.
We browsed around some more and finally headed for the exit. We hugged each other as we parted and both agreed we should do it again sometime soon. I look forward to becoming better friends with her.
I headed back to the house with a brief detour to Marshall’s, which lasted about 5 minutes as the urge grew to use the bathroom.
I made it back to the house, used the bathroom, and got back on the computer. I chatted briefly with a friend some, another person who I’m looking forward to getting to know more. She’s a lesbian who just went through a messy breakup and mentioned she had checked out some personals on the infamous craigslist. I had actually checked out the lesbian personals (w4w) on craigslist before just for the heck of it to see what they were like and nearly fell over at the difference of them vs. the men’s (m4m) personals. On the m4m section, any picture was pretty much a guaranteed genital shot, and 99% were looking for sexual hookups, but on the lesbian section they were modest women who seemed to be looking for more than a fling but an actual relationship that lasted, (though my friend said a few bisexual girls had messaged her looking for a hookup of which she was not interested in). One lady in her ad even had a picture of her and her kids looking for love!
Ugh, we’re all looking for love. I checked out the “miss connections” section on craigslist wondering what that was all about, and found the most pathetic ad. God bless whoever the man was who posted this. Here it is copied and pasted:
Location: “Antrim Rest Area”
“You were driving a poultry truck and stopped for a break. Thought you were pretty hot. Wouldn't mind connecting with ya. Chances are slim but if you see this I hope you'll respond. Let me know what I was driving and what you did when you got out of your truck before you went inside.”
As I said, we’re all simply looking for love. We’re all looking for someone who cares. Will some of us ever find it?
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
More profile surfing, anxiety, and choclate bars.
Today has been a mess. I woke up like always earlier than the alarm clock, and right away felt anxious. I don’t know what is going on, but the past couple of days my anxiety has seemed to grow, and it’s not fun. Logged on to connexion to see if I had any new messages- none, and I’ve already pretty much lost full interest in checking gay.com, the first exclusively gay networking site I joined last week.
I was thinking today was going to be a pretty light day when it came to packing orders, but the problem with light days is that they make me feel as if I have more time to do nothing, which causes me to fall behind towards the end of the day when orders need to be dropped off or picked up. For breakfast I made 2 pieces of bacon and two eggs over easy. I thought I had done a pretty good job on frying the eggs but when I went to eat them, they were so runny from not being cooked long enough after all that I lost my appetite and threw them away.
I brought the easy three boxes downstairs to begin unpacking them, but ended up just coming back upstairs to hang out on the computer. I surfed more profiles of other guys, and just grew more disgusted. For the guy who (apparently) denied my friend request twice, I read his “want to meet” section closer and made a startling discovery. Here is a line (copied and pasted) quoting who he “wants to meet.”
“Really, any decent, sane person with a good head on their shoulders and their sh*t together is good people in my book. Hit me up!
After reading that the realization came very quickly that it might not have worked out anyways. As I browsed other profiles I realized other men seemed to share this guy’s desire for making “sane” friends.
I quickly made an addendum to my profile which can be seen right here:
“After reading many of the profiles of others here, I've noticed many have a desire to meet "sane" people or "people who have their shit together." Well just to warn you, I'm swimming in issues, I don't have all my shit together, and I have no interest in being around people who cannot accept the reality that life is not just some great big picnic. When you can show me a person who has it all together, by all means please let me know. I mean really, isn't a major component to good friendship listening?”
Wow, is that psychologically intimidating or what? No baggage here of course…(haha)
I went into my roommate’s room to visit his cat a couple times (which was also a distraction) because I’ve been trying to work with it to get him to like me more, but am still coming to the conclusion that it just doesn’t. I’ve never been a cat person and have always been very jumpy around them, so it would be just my luck that my roommate is obsessed with cats and has an exotic hybrid breed crossed with a cerval that is nearly two feet tall when standing (and growing). Yesterday, I tried to calm myself down (I get nervous/anxious around it), and let it gnaw on my hand some when it went to bite me while I was petting it, hoping it would realize it wouldn’t hurt me and therefore would stop. Well it did hurt, it didn’t stop, and today it broke the skin. I’ve managed (to my surprise) to be able to pick it up twice before to get it out or into a room, but today when it was on the countertops while I was cooking dinner, it attempted to tear my face off when I put my hands under it, just after it nearly slit my wrist while it was on the ground. In my anxiety and anger, and my frustration in not being able to just beat it, I grabbed the kitchen sprayer, and hosed that damn cat down right in its face. My roommate used to spray it with a smaller bottle if it bit too hard or scratched (actually it seems like it was really just me who used it) so this blast would hopefully remind the cat of its role. It left quickly and I felt at least a bit of triumph, which doesn’t mean a peace with the cat though.
Another issue that I think has sparked some anxiety and frustration today started last night when I got really annoyed after a friend who I was venting to threw everything back in my face even after I’ve been an ear for her to go on and on while I listened to the drama. Right after I blocked her, (of which I’m sure I’ll eventually unblock her), something had sparked within me causing me to address two questions: Who were my real friends, and who are simply those who were just wearing masks as if they were my friends but really don’t care?
I realize I may have a lot of issues, and I realize I can go off on rants a lot, but I need people who can stick with me and support me, and be able to withstand the craziness that goes along with being my friend.
I was on facebook and noticed again I had over five hundred friends, over half over them I really don’t even know. Many were probably just acquaintances that I had hoped would turn into friendships, but for some, I guess being friends on a social networking site is good enough. I started deleting people, although the idea of burning bridges concerned me. Really though, here I was, taking friendship on flimsy facebook that serious. Maybe I found closure deleting them. Maybe I felt like I had more control over the (non existent) relationship. Anyways, for many of the deletions I was just sick of being the first one to make the move. I wonder sometimes if I stopped contacting people, if I’d ever hear back from anyone again…
I browsed the personals on craigslist just for the heck of it and to remember how sad and pathetic they are. Nasty pictures, dirty words, I don’t think I can relate like that, or at least I don’t want to. In my loneliness and wanting to find people to relate, I realize I could get it there but was hoping to be able to relate with other homosexual men more than just sexually. Isn’t there a conservative church out there that just happens to have a gay young adults singles group too? God help me in my surfing of the web…
I ate another entire bar of the Italian chocolate and hope the sugar high doesn’t give me trouble sleeping or diabetes either.
I was thinking today was going to be a pretty light day when it came to packing orders, but the problem with light days is that they make me feel as if I have more time to do nothing, which causes me to fall behind towards the end of the day when orders need to be dropped off or picked up. For breakfast I made 2 pieces of bacon and two eggs over easy. I thought I had done a pretty good job on frying the eggs but when I went to eat them, they were so runny from not being cooked long enough after all that I lost my appetite and threw them away.
I brought the easy three boxes downstairs to begin unpacking them, but ended up just coming back upstairs to hang out on the computer. I surfed more profiles of other guys, and just grew more disgusted. For the guy who (apparently) denied my friend request twice, I read his “want to meet” section closer and made a startling discovery. Here is a line (copied and pasted) quoting who he “wants to meet.”
“Really, any decent, sane person with a good head on their shoulders and their sh*t together is good people in my book. Hit me up!
After reading that the realization came very quickly that it might not have worked out anyways. As I browsed other profiles I realized other men seemed to share this guy’s desire for making “sane” friends.
I quickly made an addendum to my profile which can be seen right here:
“After reading many of the profiles of others here, I've noticed many have a desire to meet "sane" people or "people who have their shit together." Well just to warn you, I'm swimming in issues, I don't have all my shit together, and I have no interest in being around people who cannot accept the reality that life is not just some great big picnic. When you can show me a person who has it all together, by all means please let me know. I mean really, isn't a major component to good friendship listening?”
Wow, is that psychologically intimidating or what? No baggage here of course…(haha)
I went into my roommate’s room to visit his cat a couple times (which was also a distraction) because I’ve been trying to work with it to get him to like me more, but am still coming to the conclusion that it just doesn’t. I’ve never been a cat person and have always been very jumpy around them, so it would be just my luck that my roommate is obsessed with cats and has an exotic hybrid breed crossed with a cerval that is nearly two feet tall when standing (and growing). Yesterday, I tried to calm myself down (I get nervous/anxious around it), and let it gnaw on my hand some when it went to bite me while I was petting it, hoping it would realize it wouldn’t hurt me and therefore would stop. Well it did hurt, it didn’t stop, and today it broke the skin. I’ve managed (to my surprise) to be able to pick it up twice before to get it out or into a room, but today when it was on the countertops while I was cooking dinner, it attempted to tear my face off when I put my hands under it, just after it nearly slit my wrist while it was on the ground. In my anxiety and anger, and my frustration in not being able to just beat it, I grabbed the kitchen sprayer, and hosed that damn cat down right in its face. My roommate used to spray it with a smaller bottle if it bit too hard or scratched (actually it seems like it was really just me who used it) so this blast would hopefully remind the cat of its role. It left quickly and I felt at least a bit of triumph, which doesn’t mean a peace with the cat though.
Another issue that I think has sparked some anxiety and frustration today started last night when I got really annoyed after a friend who I was venting to threw everything back in my face even after I’ve been an ear for her to go on and on while I listened to the drama. Right after I blocked her, (of which I’m sure I’ll eventually unblock her), something had sparked within me causing me to address two questions: Who were my real friends, and who are simply those who were just wearing masks as if they were my friends but really don’t care?
I realize I may have a lot of issues, and I realize I can go off on rants a lot, but I need people who can stick with me and support me, and be able to withstand the craziness that goes along with being my friend.
I was on facebook and noticed again I had over five hundred friends, over half over them I really don’t even know. Many were probably just acquaintances that I had hoped would turn into friendships, but for some, I guess being friends on a social networking site is good enough. I started deleting people, although the idea of burning bridges concerned me. Really though, here I was, taking friendship on flimsy facebook that serious. Maybe I found closure deleting them. Maybe I felt like I had more control over the (non existent) relationship. Anyways, for many of the deletions I was just sick of being the first one to make the move. I wonder sometimes if I stopped contacting people, if I’d ever hear back from anyone again…
I browsed the personals on craigslist just for the heck of it and to remember how sad and pathetic they are. Nasty pictures, dirty words, I don’t think I can relate like that, or at least I don’t want to. In my loneliness and wanting to find people to relate, I realize I could get it there but was hoping to be able to relate with other homosexual men more than just sexually. Isn’t there a conservative church out there that just happens to have a gay young adults singles group too? God help me in my surfing of the web…
I ate another entire bar of the Italian chocolate and hope the sugar high doesn’t give me trouble sleeping or diabetes either.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
First Blog/Adventures in the online gay networking community...
This morning I woke up earlier than the alarm clock as usual, and laid in bed until the beeping sound inevitably went off. I hit the snooze button, about three times, and finally got out of bed. I hopped in the shower, went down stairs to collect the incoming packages from the delivery man, and then caught the next rocket ship to the state of being unable to stay focused on anything. Even though the delivery man had came early, I still wanted to jump onto the networking site I joined yesterday, connexion, just to see if the “new message” indicator was on. I turned on the computer, logged on to the site, and bam, nothing. I wasn’t upset, I was however frustrated to find that most of the messages I sent introducing myself to some of the other people in the area had apparently been read, without being replied to. “I don’t get it what else do these guys need? Was my profile unattractive? Did they think I was probably just a spammer?” I asked myself some of these questions, and then finally landed on that realization that I cannot relate to these people, and they’re obviously just way out of my league (at least that’s what their ego is telling them). I was especially frustrated by the fact that someone who had my name written all over their “about me” and “want to meet” sections twice has not replied to either of my messages. I had sent them a message on myspace a few weeks back, nothing, and then found them on this site by doing a simple area search. I hoped they didn’t think I was cyber stalking them, but I really felt like I could relate so much to them by just their perhaps quickly filled out personality and interest sections. I just wanted that stranger in the screen to simply give me a chance at being their friend.
After realizing nothing was probably going to be happening with that guy on this site either, I started browsing the profiles of some of the other users of the site. Most of the profile pictures I saw were of very handsome and muscular men exposing their well toned bodies appearing as if they had just jumped out of a catalogue shoot. I started to wonder just what kind of site this was after all. I thought it was simply a place to make simply friends or maybe even, dare I say it, find love. I surfed the profiles in utter awe at the standard of body type that seemed to be in place. My stereotypes of the gay online community were just becoming stronger, it’s either porn, or muscular men boasting about how wonderful their lives are on various profiles across various networking sites. I wonder since when did being gay be so easy and fun? That’s not been my experience at all at least. Obviously the voices in my head from my more conservative Christian side start to tell me “those are people of the world,” but even still, it’d be nice to find a niche where such standards of perfection are not necessary. I sent the nice guy I met on the site yesterday another message and received his friendly reply this afternoon explaining that he’d be without a computer after 7pm my time and wanted to know how I felt about [phone] texting- I got the message shortly after 7. I went back on myspace and cancelled all the requests I had sent out to some of the other guys in my area claiming to also be “wanting to make new friends.” They had logged into their accounts and saw my request. They read my messages of me introducing myself. No point in prolonging a worthless hope. My goodness this all seems so pathetic. Putting my faith in flimsy networking sites to try and meet people. People who might actually be able to relate. People who also know what it’s like to be attracted to those of the same gender. What else am I going to do though? Go alone to the local gay bar? Rot away in my desperation to find a some people who just might be able to understand where I’m coming from? I’ve still been exploring connexion some tonight and it appears the most popular members of the day are displayed on the right hand side of the site, all nearly naked and muscular again.
I sit here now on the couch, looking out windows which reveal nothing but darkness. On the outside of the windows I’m totally exposed, I looking out however, can see nothing…
After realizing nothing was probably going to be happening with that guy on this site either, I started browsing the profiles of some of the other users of the site. Most of the profile pictures I saw were of very handsome and muscular men exposing their well toned bodies appearing as if they had just jumped out of a catalogue shoot. I started to wonder just what kind of site this was after all. I thought it was simply a place to make simply friends or maybe even, dare I say it, find love. I surfed the profiles in utter awe at the standard of body type that seemed to be in place. My stereotypes of the gay online community were just becoming stronger, it’s either porn, or muscular men boasting about how wonderful their lives are on various profiles across various networking sites. I wonder since when did being gay be so easy and fun? That’s not been my experience at all at least. Obviously the voices in my head from my more conservative Christian side start to tell me “those are people of the world,” but even still, it’d be nice to find a niche where such standards of perfection are not necessary. I sent the nice guy I met on the site yesterday another message and received his friendly reply this afternoon explaining that he’d be without a computer after 7pm my time and wanted to know how I felt about [phone] texting- I got the message shortly after 7. I went back on myspace and cancelled all the requests I had sent out to some of the other guys in my area claiming to also be “wanting to make new friends.” They had logged into their accounts and saw my request. They read my messages of me introducing myself. No point in prolonging a worthless hope. My goodness this all seems so pathetic. Putting my faith in flimsy networking sites to try and meet people. People who might actually be able to relate. People who also know what it’s like to be attracted to those of the same gender. What else am I going to do though? Go alone to the local gay bar? Rot away in my desperation to find a some people who just might be able to understand where I’m coming from? I’ve still been exploring connexion some tonight and it appears the most popular members of the day are displayed on the right hand side of the site, all nearly naked and muscular again.
I sit here now on the couch, looking out windows which reveal nothing but darkness. On the outside of the windows I’m totally exposed, I looking out however, can see nothing…
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