Today has been a mess. I woke up like always earlier than the alarm clock, and right away felt anxious. I don’t know what is going on, but the past couple of days my anxiety has seemed to grow, and it’s not fun. Logged on to connexion to see if I had any new messages- none, and I’ve already pretty much lost full interest in checking gay.com, the first exclusively gay networking site I joined last week.
I was thinking today was going to be a pretty light day when it came to packing orders, but the problem with light days is that they make me feel as if I have more time to do nothing, which causes me to fall behind towards the end of the day when orders need to be dropped off or picked up. For breakfast I made 2 pieces of bacon and two eggs over easy. I thought I had done a pretty good job on frying the eggs but when I went to eat them, they were so runny from not being cooked long enough after all that I lost my appetite and threw them away.
I brought the easy three boxes downstairs to begin unpacking them, but ended up just coming back upstairs to hang out on the computer. I surfed more profiles of other guys, and just grew more disgusted. For the guy who (apparently) denied my friend request twice, I read his “want to meet” section closer and made a startling discovery. Here is a line (copied and pasted) quoting who he “wants to meet.”
“Really, any decent, sane person with a good head on their shoulders and their sh*t together is good people in my book. Hit me up!
After reading that the realization came very quickly that it might not have worked out anyways. As I browsed other profiles I realized other men seemed to share this guy’s desire for making “sane” friends.
I quickly made an addendum to my profile which can be seen right here:
“After reading many of the profiles of others here, I've noticed many have a desire to meet "sane" people or "people who have their shit together." Well just to warn you, I'm swimming in issues, I don't have all my shit together, and I have no interest in being around people who cannot accept the reality that life is not just some great big picnic. When you can show me a person who has it all together, by all means please let me know. I mean really, isn't a major component to good friendship listening?”
Wow, is that psychologically intimidating or what? No baggage here of course…(haha)
I went into my roommate’s room to visit his cat a couple times (which was also a distraction) because I’ve been trying to work with it to get him to like me more, but am still coming to the conclusion that it just doesn’t. I’ve never been a cat person and have always been very jumpy around them, so it would be just my luck that my roommate is obsessed with cats and has an exotic hybrid breed crossed with a cerval that is nearly two feet tall when standing (and growing). Yesterday, I tried to calm myself down (I get nervous/anxious around it), and let it gnaw on my hand some when it went to bite me while I was petting it, hoping it would realize it wouldn’t hurt me and therefore would stop. Well it did hurt, it didn’t stop, and today it broke the skin. I’ve managed (to my surprise) to be able to pick it up twice before to get it out or into a room, but today when it was on the countertops while I was cooking dinner, it attempted to tear my face off when I put my hands under it, just after it nearly slit my wrist while it was on the ground. In my anxiety and anger, and my frustration in not being able to just beat it, I grabbed the kitchen sprayer, and hosed that damn cat down right in its face. My roommate used to spray it with a smaller bottle if it bit too hard or scratched (actually it seems like it was really just me who used it) so this blast would hopefully remind the cat of its role. It left quickly and I felt at least a bit of triumph, which doesn’t mean a peace with the cat though.
Another issue that I think has sparked some anxiety and frustration today started last night when I got really annoyed after a friend who I was venting to threw everything back in my face even after I’ve been an ear for her to go on and on while I listened to the drama. Right after I blocked her, (of which I’m sure I’ll eventually unblock her), something had sparked within me causing me to address two questions: Who were my real friends, and who are simply those who were just wearing masks as if they were my friends but really don’t care?
I realize I may have a lot of issues, and I realize I can go off on rants a lot, but I need people who can stick with me and support me, and be able to withstand the craziness that goes along with being my friend.
I was on facebook and noticed again I had over five hundred friends, over half over them I really don’t even know. Many were probably just acquaintances that I had hoped would turn into friendships, but for some, I guess being friends on a social networking site is good enough. I started deleting people, although the idea of burning bridges concerned me. Really though, here I was, taking friendship on flimsy facebook that serious. Maybe I found closure deleting them. Maybe I felt like I had more control over the (non existent) relationship. Anyways, for many of the deletions I was just sick of being the first one to make the move. I wonder sometimes if I stopped contacting people, if I’d ever hear back from anyone again…
I browsed the personals on craigslist just for the heck of it and to remember how sad and pathetic they are. Nasty pictures, dirty words, I don’t think I can relate like that, or at least I don’t want to. In my loneliness and wanting to find people to relate, I realize I could get it there but was hoping to be able to relate with other homosexual men more than just sexually. Isn’t there a conservative church out there that just happens to have a gay young adults singles group too? God help me in my surfing of the web…
I ate another entire bar of the Italian chocolate and hope the sugar high doesn’t give me trouble sleeping or diabetes either.
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