Talking to walls, getting out, and naughty bookstore sections.

Today has been surprisingly a bit better psychologically then I had thought it would be. Yesterday I felt depression really setting in, and those dark thoughts that I don’t even like talking about seemed to really be trying to break down the gates to my mind to set in again. Some of the dark thoughts are things like having no will to live, and my last year at school I struggled a great deal with that. The friendly UPS guy dropped off the packages at around 11, and I started packing at about 12:30 after what we’ll just identify as an internet distraction.
Working at home I’m really coming to find has its ups and downs, but I’m starting to think maybe more downs than ups. While it’s nice to roll out of bed and just walk down a few flights of stairs to my job, and it’s also nice to not have to use gas to commute, it’s kind of, well, lonely. I love talking to people, I love working with people and meeting new people, but working down in the basement I’m the only one to talk to besides the wall or yes yes God.
I go up to visit the cat every now and then but I really just think I’m finished trying with it. It just doesn’t like me and I’m sick of trying only to get bit or scratched, or what is even in my opinion worse, getting hissed at. Bite me or scratch me, but there is something about being hissed at by a cat that just bothers me to no end, and especially from this cat. It bit me again tonight after I went to pet it and only shortly after I had given it one of its favorite treats. Since the cat is so territorial it doesn’t even like me feeding it its daily raw drumstick in the evening, I’ve found it will eagerly take a piece of turkey deli meat right out of my hand. I’d been trying to do that thinking food would always win anything over, but after tonight’s bite, like I said, I really just think I’m done with it. At this point the only times I get bit or scratched or hissed at is when I try with the cat, so from now on I’m just staying away from it. No more treats, no more playing with little bells or objects that it likes to pounce at, and no more visits up to the room during the day. It stays in my roommate’s room and for all I care the damn cat can just stay there alone till the love of its life, its master, gets home.
I finished up work at around 4:30 and did the usual go up stairs and get back on the computer. In order it seems like when I log on, I check connexion, facebook, yahoo mail, connexion again in case I missed something, back to facebook, myspace if I feel like it, and then to youtube. It’s amazing how fast time can fly when browsing any of those sites. I knew I needed to get out, and called a friend to see if she wanted to meet up for dinner. She’s an older woman, but has been a great sister in Christ and a huge support when everyone else back at the church thought I was crazy. Although I’ve greatly started to differ in theological views with her, (she thinks all churches are now apostate,) I try to concentrate more on the help she’s given me in the past and talk about other things besides Christianity, although that topic can be hard to stay off of some times.
Since she couldn’t do anything I messaged another person in the area who I’ve known since childhood. We never really hung out or anything, but since she’s a member of a family that my mother and I are like family with. She and I have discussed the desire to hang out together sometime soon so I texted her and the next thing you know we were meeting at TGIF’s at 6. I was really happy we got to get together as we got to know some more about each other and finally have a more tangible relationship. After dinner she and I went across the street to the Barnes & Noble store, ugh do I have some memories from that place, and if I ever have children they will be on a tight leash at Barnes & Noble or any other bookstore for that matter. Some of the sections are like mini porn shops!
You see, In my younger years of disbelieving that there were other people who felt like I did towards other guys, and in the midst of me really not knowing how to process the feelings altogether, I would sneak off into the bookshelves and look at all the naughty sections just to see what I could find. I remember going to the photography section where I found a few books for the first time showing naked men together, hugging, cuddling, not sex though. If memory serves me right I believe those were some of the first people I had ever discovered to be able relate to, those men in the pictures who seemed to intimately love each other.
I went over to the magazine stands and passed the “men’s interest” section which makes me nearly gag every time. Half of it is actual porn, the other half is wannabe porn. I quickly vacated the area in a temporary moment of embarrassment for being a man and checked out the travel books where my friend was.
We soon walked over to the section for Bibles as I wanted to see how much their New Revised Standard Versions were. What seemed to be a discovery that would inevitably happen anyways, we were met with the “gay & lesbian studies” section directly to the left of us as we stood in front of the two enormous stands packed to the max with a plethora of Bibles of several versions in an amazing variety of colors as well. After checking out the pricy Bibles, I walked only a few steps over to the gay section and saw the usual selections. I have never understood that section, but sadly I felt like I really could. About half of the books in the section were on activism and gay rights, religion and homosexuality, gay parenting, or self help guides to find romance. The other half seemed to be erotica, porn, on the subject of porn, gay sex, or erotic novels based on a variety of fetishes. I always thought it was incredibly ironic how sex was such a major component of “gay & lesbian STUDIES.” It’s frustrating to want to find something non sexual in the gay community, but that section is often a reminder to me of how sex finds its way into anything. I guess I just despise the fact that there is so much erotica in the section. Perhaps they should have a separate section for “gay erotica” instead of mixing them all together.
We browsed around some more and finally headed for the exit. We hugged each other as we parted and both agreed we should do it again sometime soon. I look forward to becoming better friends with her.
I headed back to the house with a brief detour to Marshall’s, which lasted about 5 minutes as the urge grew to use the bathroom.
I made it back to the house, used the bathroom, and got back on the computer. I chatted briefly with a friend some, another person who I’m looking forward to getting to know more. She’s a lesbian who just went through a messy breakup and mentioned she had checked out some personals on the infamous craigslist. I had actually checked out the lesbian personals (w4w) on craigslist before just for the heck of it to see what they were like and nearly fell over at the difference of them vs. the men’s (m4m) personals. On the m4m section, any picture was pretty much a guaranteed genital shot, and 99% were looking for sexual hookups, but on the lesbian section they were modest women who seemed to be looking for more than a fling but an actual relationship that lasted, (though my friend said a few bisexual girls had messaged her looking for a hookup of which she was not interested in). One lady in her ad even had a picture of her and her kids looking for love!
Ugh, we’re all looking for love. I checked out the “miss connections” section on craigslist wondering what that was all about, and found the most pathetic ad. God bless whoever the man was who posted this. Here it is copied and pasted:

Location: “Antrim Rest Area”
“You were driving a poultry truck and stopped for a break. Thought you were pretty hot. Wouldn't mind connecting with ya. Chances are slim but if you see this I hope you'll respond. Let me know what I was driving and what you did when you got out of your truck before you went inside.”

As I said, we’re all simply looking for love. We’re all looking for someone who cares. Will some of us ever find it?