This morning I woke up earlier than the alarm clock as usual, and laid in bed until the beeping sound inevitably went off. I hit the snooze button, about three times, and finally got out of bed. I hopped in the shower, went down stairs to collect the incoming packages from the delivery man, and then caught the next rocket ship to the state of being unable to stay focused on anything. Even though the delivery man had came early, I still wanted to jump onto the networking site I joined yesterday, connexion, just to see if the “new message” indicator was on. I turned on the computer, logged on to the site, and bam, nothing. I wasn’t upset, I was however frustrated to find that most of the messages I sent introducing myself to some of the other people in the area had apparently been read, without being replied to. “I don’t get it what else do these guys need? Was my profile unattractive? Did they think I was probably just a spammer?” I asked myself some of these questions, and then finally landed on that realization that I cannot relate to these people, and they’re obviously just way out of my league (at least that’s what their ego is telling them). I was especially frustrated by the fact that someone who had my name written all over their “about me” and “want to meet” sections twice has not replied to either of my messages. I had sent them a message on myspace a few weeks back, nothing, and then found them on this site by doing a simple area search. I hoped they didn’t think I was cyber stalking them, but I really felt like I could relate so much to them by just their perhaps quickly filled out personality and interest sections. I just wanted that stranger in the screen to simply give me a chance at being their friend.
After realizing nothing was probably going to be happening with that guy on this site either, I started browsing the profiles of some of the other users of the site. Most of the profile pictures I saw were of very handsome and muscular men exposing their well toned bodies appearing as if they had just jumped out of a catalogue shoot. I started to wonder just what kind of site this was after all. I thought it was simply a place to make simply friends or maybe even, dare I say it, find love. I surfed the profiles in utter awe at the standard of body type that seemed to be in place. My stereotypes of the gay online community were just becoming stronger, it’s either porn, or muscular men boasting about how wonderful their lives are on various profiles across various networking sites. I wonder since when did being gay be so easy and fun? That’s not been my experience at all at least. Obviously the voices in my head from my more conservative Christian side start to tell me “those are people of the world,” but even still, it’d be nice to find a niche where such standards of perfection are not necessary. I sent the nice guy I met on the site yesterday another message and received his friendly reply this afternoon explaining that he’d be without a computer after 7pm my time and wanted to know how I felt about [phone] texting- I got the message shortly after 7. I went back on myspace and cancelled all the requests I had sent out to some of the other guys in my area claiming to also be “wanting to make new friends.” They had logged into their accounts and saw my request. They read my messages of me introducing myself. No point in prolonging a worthless hope. My goodness this all seems so pathetic. Putting my faith in flimsy networking sites to try and meet people. People who might actually be able to relate. People who also know what it’s like to be attracted to those of the same gender. What else am I going to do though? Go alone to the local gay bar? Rot away in my desperation to find a some people who just might be able to understand where I’m coming from? I’ve still been exploring connexion some tonight and it appears the most popular members of the day are displayed on the right hand side of the site, all nearly naked and muscular again.
I sit here now on the couch, looking out windows which reveal nothing but darkness. On the outside of the windows I’m totally exposed, I looking out however, can see nothing…
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