Mountains, Love, & Hot Bodies

Today has been pretty good for a Saturday. Because I went to bed so late (or perhaps I should say early) last night, I slept in until about 11, which is honestly groundbreaking for me these days. Friday was nice as well, not very busy with work and I drove into Quincy to spend times with my friends. It’s a group of people that I meet up with pretty much every Friday, so it’s my thing. On Friday nights I simply have Friday night group. I really feel blessed to have those people in my life!
Love has been on my mind a lot since Friday (well really the past several years but anyways). Love, an actual relationship, not the kind that is strictly physical that lasts for a matter of moments with a person you barely know. When I think of love my mind trembles at the idea of it. I know the love of my mother or that of a good friend or family member, but the shear idea of romantic love gets my mind going on so many different issues about it I usually try to keep it under the rug. You see, I’ve lived for most of my life with the understanding that romantic love is something I will simply never experience, so why dwell on something you can’t have either way? I usually just try to just keep it under the rug because again I’ve always looked at it as something I will never experience …but in the event that I did, a few things came to mind of what some of the outcomes would be that just makes the idea of romantic love even more bittersweet.
1. It makes me sad to think that what should be a wonderful celebratory thing for me, would be devastating news for others. Using marriage as an example, when we plan for marriage up until the actual wedding day there is laughter and happiness, and obviously several stress factors that go along with the planning process too. On the day of the wedding though, friends and family from all over the country (or world) get together to share the couple’s moment in a celebration that will bring happy and cherished memories for everyone involved in their lives, not to mention the actual newly weds.
If I were to go with what is natural for me that would be nothing like the case.
If I were to announce that I was getting married to another man, for most of the people in my life, it would be nothing but devastating. It would be an ultimatum for many of them. Many to most would probably not go and make their disapproval abundantly clear, and many would do as much as they could to try and talk me out of it, and some would probably disown me altogether.
So here we have two pictures. One, where the man and woman are getting married with everyone there to celebrate it with them, and then the scenario of myself getting married to what feels natural to me, another man, and it being more worse than a funeral.
Again, thinking about love for me is such a bizarre enigma. I feel as if God created us to love, and put the desire and each and every one of our hearts, but for me to think about it just feels like nothing more than a total disaster mixed with condemnation and mourning.
In the midst of hearing so much about gay marriage on the news these days, I have yet to even know the taste of what something as simple as dating is like. I am so far away from even being able to comprehend marriage that it seems more like a dream that just simply is not meant for me. Deep down inside, I really still don’t even see myself marrying a man to be honest. I see the picture of the pretty white house, with the pretty white picket fence, the dog (NO CATS,) and the beautifully loving wife to come home to. In saying that though, it just makes it all the more difficult for me to accept the fact that I may never have that picture. It is in saying things like these where my friends who wish I didn’t have the “struggle with homosexuality” would try to convince me that “well maybe God still has the right girl out there for you!” Well perhaps it’s a matter of Him having the right guy out there for me and us all (including myself) having to accept that? It’s all just a big blob of confusion, such is life.
Today I went up north a little bit and met up with a friend and we climbed part of Mt. Monadnock. I was all gung ho for climbing the whole thing, but when we had just reached the clearing of the trees and I looked up and saw how much further is was to go, we just hung out on an area of rocks with an equally beautiful view and snacked on some of the wild blueberries. Perhaps the fact that we started the climb at around 5 didn’t help either, but that allowed us to see the beginning of the spectacular sunset.
As I walked out on the rocks taking in the views of the scenery and all the other mountains out in the distance, I tried to meditate on my life some and consider the current situations. I figured if I couldn’t find the right person to marry, I would just marry that view, that view and the sunset. Sounds like something Anne Shirley would say!
I also saw some pretty nice bodies today, which were just simple reminders for me of how much I love men and are attracted to them. I can only assume that when I see a hot guy, it must be like what a heterosexual guy feels when he sees a hot girl. I find myself constantly thinking “oh so this must be what it feels like for a guy who is attracted to girls” just because I wish I knew what it was like so badly.
When I see their bodies it really makes me want to do something to get into shape and look more like them. It’s one thing to see chiseled bodies in a magazine or online, but seeing them in real life makes me realize “wow it really is possible to have a body like that.” Honestly when I see hot guys in pictures it doesn’t have the same affect at all as far as wanting to get into shape, at least not the pictures for sites like connexion.. Actually I was all ready to get going on a good diet and exercise regimen, but surfing through the pictures on connexion and the other networking sites really turned me off to looking more muscular and toned. As much as I’d love a smooth lean body, I never want to be like any of those men in the profile pictures I see online. I don’t really understand why I have such a bitterness or hatred towards them, and I really don’t even want to call it that, but I just don’t want to be anything like that. I don’t want a nice body so that others can lust after me. I don’t want a nice body simply because it opens up doors for me to be able to sleep with other men with nice bodies as well. I don’t think love should be on the idea of “well I have a nice body, therefore I deserve someone with a nice body as well.” I’m just not sure what I want I guess.